The Line

The poverty line.

We're hovering around it.

Living so close to going below the poverty line is taking its toll on me.

My dreams of having a big family are slipping away. I'm tired of the judgement just from announcing this second pregnancy. We can't afford 2 kids.

I feel so foolish.

I feel like a failure since we live with my in-law's.

I feel like our financial predicament is all my fault. I should have been more careful when applying for student loans. I should have worked harder in part-time jobs. I should have lived in dorms longer. I should have applied for more scholarships.

If I was working, we'd be better off. But could we even afford the childcare? If we have a lot of children we won't.

Resentment grows towards my friends who aren't struggling as much as we are. Some people get bitter at baby announcements. I get bitter at "We just bought a house!" announcements.

We wanted our children two years apart. God is blessing us with that gift. But was it's God's will or mine? We didn't feel a strong feeling to avoid, so we were open. But maybe we should have prayed about it more.

I am always feelings so judged and looked down upon because of our financial situation.

I feel like I should be using the gifts God gave me to supplement our income, but I feel like I have nothing to contribute.

I feel worthless. I feel like I should be working harder.

I feel hopeless. We've prayed for God to lead us in what to do. We're not asking him to send us a winning lottery ticket. We just want to know what to do. He has taken care of us, for sure, but we need to know WHAT TO DO NEXT.

I hate living in the city surrounded by all these rich SOB's. I've never wanted what they have- the big cars, the big houses, the designer clothes, but seeing them reminds me that even a small tiny rental house is unattainable at this time.

I keep thinking that my grandparents survived on nothing and they raised 7 kids. My mom raised me on nothing and I know many other family members that have struggled. They have lived wonderful, happy and fulfilling lives. But I just don't see that happening for us.

I'm so incredibly naive sometimes that when something out of the blue happens- like getting a huge pre-payment bill for my OB- I totally freak out. Of course the bill will be higher, Maggie. Ryan's insurance has changed and we live in a big city now. Duh.

I'm tired of crying over bills and finances. It's a roller coaster that I want to get off of right now.


Of course, being almost 15 weeks pregnant and super duper giantly hormonal doesn't help matters any.

My apologies for such a depressing, crabby-ass post.

I just really needed to get my feelings out there.

7 Quick Takes Vol. 22

It has been like 58 years since I've done a QT post. So much has happened lately that I will never catch up, so I'll do a condensed-ish version of it all. Be sure to visit the lovely Jen for more Quick Takes!


1.
It was a three day affair for my aunt Joy's funeral. Her wake was Tuesday night and funeral was Wednesday in Joplin. Her burial was all the way back up in my hometown, about 5 hours away on Thursday. It was three days of laughter, tears, memories, good food and lots of beer. My brother wrote an excellent post capturing the atmosphere of the week. You can read it here.

We took Joe with us for the whole thing. There was lots and lots of driving, tons of people and new places and his schedule went down the pooper. But he did very well!

I want to thank you all for your prayers and kind words for my family. I could definitely feel a sense of warmth and peace around us.

2. You may recall a couple months ago I had to send Joe to occupational therapy for his swallowing food problems. I never really updated y'all on how that went.

His first appointment was at the end of November and we spent an hour and a half watching him eat different things. The therapist gave us different pointers and some little chewy tubes for him to get used to having stuff in the back of his mouth. At his follow up appointment in the middle of December he had pretty much gotten over his gagging and troubles swallowing but now he was pocketing food. I would give him some lunch meat and he'd just store it in his cheeks and finally after about a half hour he would have swallowed it. I was wondering since his one year molars were all coming in at the same time that maybe it hurt him to chew so that's why he was pocketing. The therapist didn't seem to think so and gave me some more instructions on how to stop the pocketing.

At Christmas we went to my mom's house and he became addicted to poppy seed bread. He was constantly snacking on it. It was then I noticed he wasn't holding his food in, so I just started giving him all sorts of food and he did great!

Since then he hasn't gagged or pocketed his food. Now I have the normal challenge of a typical picky toddler. It's so fun to give him food he does like because everything he puts it in his mouth he goes, "Mmmm!!!" It's adorable.

We were supposed to go for another OT session in January but after I called the therapist and explained the situation she said there was no need for him to come back in! I figured this was something he would have to outgrow, but I am thankful we did take him in to the occupational therapist because she did help us out a lot!

3. If you are a Facebook friend of mine you already know that Joe has become quite the little terror. Pretty much everyday I have to run and stop him from scaling the cabinets or take a flying leap off the top of the stairs. Many days I have to say "Shh!" when he is screaming at the top of his lungs and pretty much twice a week I have to stop him from eating paper (after I realize he already ate half the page.) I am really having to start disciplining him. I think he's not quite old enough for the time-out so it's a lot of redirecting. I still get down on his level and explain to him why I am taking his toy away or why he has to go into the other room. I know he doesn't quite understand that, but it's really for my own practice. It doesn't help matters any when he starts laughing at me and acting all cute when I am trying to be serious.

Sometimes I semi-freak out knowing that these tantrums, these disobedient outbursts- well, they are pretty much going to last forever. But the good times and the blooper moments outweigh all those, right? RIGHT?!?!

4. I decided it's finally time to stop nursing. Joe is a nightly marathon nurser. I was waking up 4 of 5 times a night to nurse him. But it wasn't peaceful co-sleeping nursing. We put him to sleep in his play pen and then when I get up to nurse him the first time I usually expect him to just continue sleeping with me. Joe always has other plans. He wants to jump off the bed or play with the shelf hanging above our bed. It has been more than once that the pictures of the Sacred Heart of Mary and Jesus have fallen on my head.

When he nurses he nurses about 2 minutes on one side and 2 minutes on the other side over and over and over again for about 10-15 minutes. I have to sleep on my back which is super annoying.

I didn't want to give up night nursing quite yet despite these challenges. We had a deep bond. I remember one time laying with him nursing him and and I was humming him a lullaby. He looks up with his big blue eyes and reaches up to my face. I thought he was going to stroke my cheek but he just stuck his finger up my nose. It was these funny moments I would miss.

However, in the last month, nursing has become a huge burden for me. There will be times he has nursed for 30 minutes then stop and start to drift off to sleep. I flip over to lay on my stomach and he gets straight up pissed off. He sits up and starts pulling my shirt and pushing me to turn over. I say, "No, no. It's time to sleep" and he slaps me on my face repeatedly. You have no idea how much that infuriates me. His screaming gets louder and louder and he gets more violent. I put him back in his play pen and he screams even louder. So all I can really do is just give in. I decided last week that I was just going to nurse him before I put him to bed and that was it. I also decided to remove myself from the entire situation and sleep in the guest bed. I was going to have my husband take on the sole responsibility of comforting him if he cried for too long. I admit I was very nervous and uneasy about being away from Joe. The first two nights went very well. He only woke up a few times but didn't cry very long.

I thought that I would really dread giving up nursing. I knew I was going to do it sooner rather than later due to this pregnancy, but I just never thought of the reality. However, I am somewhat relieved that our nursing relationship is coming to a close. I wish it would have been him choosing to end the relationship, because I feel like a horrible mother for initiating the end. But I think it will be good in the long run for both of us, especially now if I get more sleep I won't be so grumpy as a mother.

5. I said the first two nights of night weaning went well, but that all changed this past Saturday. I noticed in the morning when I went into his room he was attempting to climb the walls of his play pen. I never thought he would be able to get out. He tried a few times and did not succeed. I took him out and we started our morning. During his morning quiet time I put him in his play pen with books and toys like I always do. I turned on the video baby monitor and started browsing the internet. I looked at the monitor just in time to see him half way up the play pen wall. I jumped up and ran to the door and heard THUD! The little bugger had crawled out! Unfortunately he did not know what to do whenever he crossed over the bar and he ended up falling. By the time I got in there and around the play pen he was sitting up on the floor. He cried for about 20 seconds and my heart stopped beating for about 25 seconds.

Our next challenge was trying to figure out where he was going to sleep. We have a very nice crib but he only slept in it when he was a couple months old before he started despising it. He never ever ever ever would sleep in there so that's why we started using the play pen. We tried every once in a while to get him to sleep in his crib but it was an epic fail. So here we were, two nights into night weaning and now we'd have to put him in his arch enemy. We pulled out the crib and removed all the dirty laundry from it and tested it during his nap. He slept perfectly in it. No screaming- nothing. He slept awesome in it that night as well. I have no clue what made him change his mind.

Buuuuuuut, then my aunt passed away and we had to go out of town and bring the play pen. Which meant we had to do back to the all night co-sleeping and nursing. But last night was our first night back at home and I started right back into the crib and night weaning. So far so good! And it was adorable when I went to wake him up this morning and his little legs were sticking out of the crib rails. I'm praying we're on a road to sleeping through the night!

6. Joe loves Sesame Street which is kind of funny because both my husband and I HATED it when we were growing up. But since Joe's growing fondness of Sesame Street started I have become increasingly fascinated with the puppeteering and history of the show. (Yes, I am a huge nerd and will freely admit to that!) I've found out so many neat little facts. Did you know that the voice of Yoda in Star Wars is the same as the original Cookie Monster? Did you know that Oscar the Grouch and Big Bird are the same voice, and Oscar was originally orange instead of green?

My sister in law gave Ryan, Joe and me the DVD Sesame Street: 40 Years of Sunny Days. The first DVD contains segments from the 1970's and 80's, and the second DVD is the 1990's and 2000's. Both Ryan and I enjoy the first DVD. There is some really funny stuff in there. But the DVD from the years I remember watching it as a child- ugh, they are HORRIBLE! It's weird and cheesy and not good at all. The only thing that makes watching that DVD bearable is making fun of the 90's clothes and seeing the Goo Goo Dolls and the Spin Doctors sing with Elmo. There is also a lot of interesting behind-the-scenes stuff.

I just recently found out there is a 304 page book that goes along with the DVD's! I got an Amazon gift card from doing an NFP research study and plan on purchasing the book (along with a book about vaccines and a book about VBAC's. That's quite the interesting combo.) Again, I know I am a dork.

7. I made a little announcement awhile back about our little bun in the oven. I haven't really had a chance to write about my feelings toward this pregnancy, but I will be doing that soon. I am 14 weeks today and feel tired out of my freakin' mind. I also look like I'm 8 months pregnant which makes me feel super awesome. Aaaaaaand I got a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones that have automatically made me pissy, so if you want to write a nice/funny comment in the combox to cheer me up I won't stop you. :-)

Have a great weekend!

Rest in Peace, Aunt Joy

Aunt Joy passed away peacefully at 11:40 last night. She was removed from her breathing machine around 2:30 earlier that afternoon. Joy continued to prove that she is a fighter and continued to hold on. They gave her minimal oxygen and morphine so she wouldn't go into distress. She took her last breath with her husband by her side.

It has been a long week of waiting and praying. Waiting to see if the therapeutic hypothermia would work. Waiting to see if she would wake up. Waiting for her to be released from this world.

My heart is heavy. All of my family is deep in mourning. Gosh, I wish you all could have met her. My hope is that you have someone like Joy in your life. Although, there is no one quite like her.

Joy was an avid pig collector. Their house was stuffed full of books, religious artwork, and pigs. To Joy's delight, very few pigs were harmed or blown away during the Joplin tornado.

Joy loved to read and enjoyed her time working part time in a book store before she retired.


Joy loved Jesus and she deeply embraced her Catholic faith. She was a good, faithful Catholic long before the rest of us in the McAdams family got our spiritual butt kicking/wake up call. I remember being shocked beyond anything when I found out she was a convert to the faith. Joy's identity was Catholic. I couldn't imagine it being anything other than that.

I remember being so in awe of Joy's devotion. She was always burnin' up the rosary beads. She had a separate rosary for each family member and you can guarantee she would pray for you. She wasn't the type of person that said she would pray for you just to say the words. You could rest assured that she was praying for you and whatever was troubling you.

There is a part in our Mass where the priest says to the congregation, "Lift up your hearts," and we reply, "We lift them up to the Lord." Well, Joy's heart was beyond no doubt lifted up to the Lord during Mass. She wasn't ostentatious or flashy. It was just very visible that she truly believed that Mass is where heaven and earth meet. Her whole face was transformed. Every word she said, every action she did, it was with love for her Savior.

She always wore a large crucifix necklace. She was proud of her Catholic faith. Because of this, I chose her to be my confirmation sponsor. It was nice to know that as I was receiving the gifts of the Holy Spirit I had a very holy woman standing behind me, praying that I made good use of these graces. (It took awhile, but I got there!) She also distributed the Body of Christ at my wedding. It was truly an honor for us that she was there to do that.

Joy was very holy. She did not waver in her orthodox beliefs of the Catholic Church. But what was so amazing about her was that she was not the "holier than thou" type. She did everything in the light of Christian charity. She did not condemn. She did not judge. She did not poke fun. She loved as Christ did. She had a happy faith. It wasn't all doom and gloom and hell fire for her. She saw the beauty of God's grace and the tremendous gifts he left us in the Church.

Her faith was child-like. And he said, "I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3) Joy accepted everything from God with faith. She looked to God with wonderment and awe. She truly saw him as a caring and loving Father who never abandons his children.

She was a kid at heart in everything she did. She was goofy. She was always smiling and laughing. She enjoyed Harry Potter and even went to the midnight release of the book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. She had a little bit of fun-loving hippie funk in her. She definitely wasn't boring. She was truly full of life. Her name fit her perfectly because she just exuded joy.


Her first and foremost vocation in life was to be a faithful daughter of God. But right behind that was her vocation as wife and mother. She loved all her children fiercely. She made sure all their needs were met, even as they entered adulthood. She was truly caring.

But her marriage to her beloved Alan was truly something amazing. Talk about self-sacrificial love, well this couple has it. They put their love into action. Even though her health was starting to take a downward turn, she devoted herself to taking care of Alan when he was going through treatments for his lung cancer. She put his needs before her own. When Joy's health began to fail Alan in turn took care of his wife. When her mobility started to deteriorate, Alan was always there to help her around. Their love is a true example of what love really is. It is a choice. A choice to put your beloved before yourself. They both made sure the other one was happy before they met their own needs. Their marriage is a solid example of how God designed matrimony.

Their marriage was happy and fun. My Uncle Alan is known to be a bit of a goof ball. (OK, a huge goof ball) and Joy was a faithful wife who always laughed along. There was no eye rolling from her- just glee and a sparkle as Alan made the rest of us laugh. She and Alan always joked that no one knew Alan's name- they only knew Joy. Alan is simply known as "That guy with Joy." He even jokes that he will have that on his tombstone.



I know I mentioned this in a previous post, but Joy suffered a great deal these past two years. Arthritis had taken over her body. She first started out with a cane (which she named Horatio Caine after a favored CSI character. See, I told you she was funny!), then had to use a walker, and for the past year she has been in a wheelchair. I can't imagine the intense physical pain that she has gone through. But she never once complained. What hurt my Uncle Alan the most during this whole ordeal is how much suffering she has gone through when all she has ever done is love and serve others. The priest who came to anoint her before she died told my Uncle that the reason she suffers so much is because she CHOOSES to suffer with the crucified Savior. She has carried her cross in love to be united with Jesus. She chose this path. Someday when her children, grandchildren and numerous nieces and nephews go to heaven they will see how much suffering they were spared in their life because Aunt Joy prayed so fervently for them and took on their suffering. She took on our suffering because she loves us so much. Joy is truly a saint.



I wonder if there was a deep spiritual battle going on while Joy was passing away. I can imagine the devil really wanted his greasy evil hands on her soul. But oh, my... I know there were multitudes of angels and saints just kicking the crap out of Satan and his minions. And Joy was right there, flaming sword and all, proclaiming her love of God.

Joy is happy now. She is so holy that I'm sure her toes just skimmed the fires of Purgatory and she is in eternal happiness. I mean, she is beyond words, so incredibly blissful. She is not suffering at all. She gets to walk and talk with family members that have gone before us. She gets to see colors that our eyes can't even comprehend. Her world is so beautiful and perfect. Absolutely perfect. All those countless hours she has run her hands across her rosary beads, well now she gets to hold her hand in our Blessed Mother's hand. She gets to embrace her living Savior. We have the Eucharist, which is pretty awesome, but she gets to see Christ in ALL his glory. So many times on this earth she has spoken, "Lord, Lord." but now she gets to hear from the lips of God, "Joy, welcome."

It is us, here on earth, the family and friends of Joy, who are the sad ones. We have a hole in our hearts. Life will not be the same without her smile and warmth. I sure hope I live a good life so I can someday get to heaven and be with Joy again.

But one thing is for sure.... I think some wonderful and amazing things will be happening in our lives because Joy is now in heaven praying for us. We are so blessed to have had her in our lives, but now even more blessed that we have our own saint in heaven looking down on us!

Thank you, Aunt Joy, for all you have done. You will be greatly missed. We love you so much.

More News on Joy

Joy at the midnight release of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix in 2003.

It has been a long waiting game, and it continues to get longer.

It took a lot longer than they thought for her to reach her normal temperature. When she finally did they dialed back the sedation and how much the breathing tube was breathing for her. To our delight she moved her jaw and toe and was able to breathe with the breathing tube turned down lower.

However the results of the EEG they performed did not look promising. I think the minimal reading they wanted in hopes of her waking up was a 13 and her reading was only 4. They did a cat scan of her brain last night. She is definitely not able to breathe without the help of the breathing machine.

We were under the impression that my Uncle Alan would have to make the decision in the next day or two to continue to have Joy on the breathing machine. That isn't quite the case. The doctors are going to wait 7-10 days to make absolutely sure that no brain function will be regained before Alan is to make any final decisions. At first Alan was going to have all his kids come to their mother's side immediately, but after this news they are going to wait a few days before coming.

Things are still seriously critical. She is still making small movements, but they aren't sure if they are voluntary or just reflexes. There is still hope that she could wake up, so please, please, please continue your prayers! It is going to be a long week for our family.

Thank you!!!

Joe isn't looking forward to July...

As you can see, Joe is not too happy about the news that he is going to welcome a baby brother or baby sister at the end of July!

Update on Joy

Joy was my confirmation sponsor and also distributed the Precious Body at our wedding

The doctors started the process to warm Joy's blood back to regular temperature at 9:00 last night. They thought her temp would be stabilized around 6:00-ish this morning so they could slowly remove the sedation and breathing tubes. However, as of 10:45 this morning her temperature still has not reached where it needs to be. The doctors are not alarmed- she is older and her metabolism is slower, thus making this whole process a little slower than normal. They expect her to reach the temperature goal sometime this afternoon or evening.

I know my Uncle Alan seems pretty bummed out. He is anxious to see if this all has worked. Please continue to pray.

Joy and her daughter who gave her CPR until the paramedics arrived. This was taken at our family reunion almost two years ago.

Hopefully we will be updated soon. I do have another post that I was planning on publishing today that is unrelated to this. I should be getting that up later today.

Crazy, crazy, crazy weekend

Wow. What a crazy weekend.

Yesterday morning my mom called to tell me that my Aunt Joy had suffered a heart attack and was in critical condition. She and my Uncle Alan live in Carthage, MO. (They lost their home last spring in the Joplin tornado. On Joy's birthday, no less!) Thank God her daughter Barb was there because she gave Joy CPR and kept her alive until the paramedics got there. If it weren't for her, who knows what would have happened. All we really knew at that point was that she was life flighted to a hospital in Springfield and it didn't look good.

My mom knew she was eventually going to make the 5 hour drive south so she could be there to comfort her brother. She was waiting around to hear from Alan. I knew that I wanted to go to support my uncle and also my mom, but was worried how Joe would deal with being waaaay out of his element. Thankfully my husband was generous and kind enough to tag along so he could help with Joe and be there to support us all.

We had about 2 hours before mom would be there to pick us up. In that time Joe decided to do something to take my mind off what was happening to my Aunt Joy.

We were letting Joe run around to blow off some steam before we left. He went over to the changing table. Then I heard Ryan yell, "NO! NO!" This wasn't the normal "No, no" that we usually yell. This was more serious. I ran over just in time to see Joe take yet another swig of baby oil. A couple days ago I had to use it to get some stubborn sticky poo off Joe's bum. I rarely ever use it and was in a hurry to get Joe diapered since he is so wriggly when I change his diaper, so I didn't put the lid on all the way.

I grabbed the bottle and Joe practically skipped away in glee with glistening baby oil all over his mouth. Of course the bottle said "DO NOT DRINK." Even though Joe seemed just fine, I wanted to call poison control just to be on the safe side. The nurse who answered was extremely nice. She first asked if Joe had choked or coughed when he first drank the baby oil. He didn't- he actually seemed to enjoy it! She said that was good because the biggest risk with drinking baby oil was choking and aspirating. She said the next problem, which wasn't a concern, was that baby oil is a laxative, so be prepared for some loose stools. She said to keep an eye on him for an hour and give him some bread and small amounts of milk. As I was talking to her on the phone he was running amok with a hat that was too small for his head on and blabbering and carrying on, so i wasn't too worried. She called back in an hour and since he was still being a crazy man and hadn't vomited she gave him an all clear.

I knew the day would come when I had to call poison control. Hopefully it will be the last! I felt so completely awful that it was my fault he gulped down the baby oil. Thank God he was just fine. Motherhood: you're always learning!

My mom picked us up later that afternoon. We got more news on Joy. The doctors were putting her through a process called therapeutic hypothermia. They very slowly cool her blood down. Once her blood temp got to 33.0 Celsius then she stays in that state for 24 hours. This is to reduce swelling in the brain due to the trauma of her heart attack. This is essentially to protect her body from damage from the heart attack. After 24 hours of being at 33.0 degrees they would slowly bring her temperature up, bring her out of sedation and unhook her from all the machines. There is a 50% chance she will never wake up.

When we finally got to Springfield we could tell that my Uncle Alan was so happy to see us. We sat in the waiting room with him and Barb while Joe entertained the whole crowd waiting in there. Later on that evening their son Todd and his wife came.

We finally got to see Joy during the very strict visiting hours. It was a very difficult sight to see. She was put in a paralyzing sedation, so she had to be on a breathing machine. She had numerous other tubes and IV's hooked up to her. She's always been so full of life. Always with a smile. It was very hard to see her in that state.

We left the hospital around 8:30 and went to our hotel. We all sat around and talked. It was so hard to see Alan so heartbroken and worried. It killed me to see the tears welling up in his eyes. I wish I could have taken the pain away from him.

Today we went to Mass and then back to the hospital. At around 9:00 last night she finally reached the 33.0 degrees. So tonight at 9:00 (in about 10 minutes from when I am writing this) they will start raising her temp. Sometime this coming morning we should know if this relatively new procedure will work. We don't know the answers to those looming questions of what if she doesn't wake up or what will she be like if she does?

It's a nervous waiting game and of course my family would appreciate any prayers you can send up to the heavens.

Joy has suffered so much these past two years. Her health has declined rapidly. She was actually supposed to have surgery last Wednesday to remove a benign tumor on her spine, but it was postponed due to a lack of equipment. If her heart was in this bad of shape who knows what could have happened during surgery. What hurts my Uncle Alan the most is how much suffering she has gone through when all she has ever done is love and serve others. The priest who came to annoint her told my Uncle that the reason she suffers so much is because she CHOOSES to suffer with the crucified Savior. She chooses this path. Someday when her children, grandchildren and numerous nieces and nephews go to heaven they will see how much suffering they were spared in their life because Aunt Joy prayed so fervently for them and took on their suffering. How amazing is that?

I am so thankful for my family. I am so blessed with such a loving and close family that will come together in times of happiness and sadness. I am so thankful for medical technology. This therapy could save her neurological function. It could save her life. And then we can have many more years of joy with our dear Aunt Joy.

Thank you for the prayers.