"God, you are going to wait until my doctor's appointment for me to feel like you are listening, aren't you?" I asked the Lord last night during my fervent prayers.
I couldn't hear him at the time, but his answer was a resounding, "Yup."
I've been praying so hard these past couple of weeks. I've prayed for a natural birth. I've prayed for no pre-eclampsia. I've prayed for the good health of my baby and me. Most of all I have prayed to do God's will. I just had no idea what God's will was going to be.
I have been so confused and worried and I felt no comfort from God. I felt like he wasn't hearing me. I felt like he was just leaving me hanging. C-section or VBAC, Lord? What's it going to be?
I went into my doctor's appointment somewhat numb. I had a gut feeling that I would not have any progress. I was just worried that my doctor would pressure me into a c-section. I hate confrontation and am a coward.
The appointment didn't start off well. I was really nervous and anxious with a great sense of dread, even though my favorite nurse was there and she always reassures me. She took my blood pressure. Of course it was high. She said it wasn't dangerously high, but higher than it normally is. I asked her if my urine specimen was OK and she went to check on it.
When she left I broke down. I haven't cried about any of this at all. Either God's grace has given me strength or my anti-depressants have been working. I tried to calm myself down. I begged St. Gerard to help me in my hour of need. He answered my prayer- through my husband. Ryan stood in front of me and pulled out a dollar bill and a shit-eating grin and said, "I'll give you a dollar if you smile!" It was so corny and so cute and so Ryan that I couldn't help but smile. That lead us to having a long conversation about which presidents we think should be on U.S. currency and how if the movies can digitally create werewolves then they should be able to digitally create an expression on Kristin Stewart's face. I was laughing and my anxiety melted away. The nurse never came back.
The doctor came in and checked the baby's heartbeat. Perfect. I asked him about my blood pressure and urine. He said it was only slightly high and he wasn't worried at all. He said I have no swelling and look great. (THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU BABY JESUS FOR NO PRE-ECLAMPSIA!!!!) Then he checked me. There was The Look. The Look I was prepared for. He shook his head and said the presentation of the baby was just one of the crummiest positions he could be in. He apologized and said he felt so badly that things couldn't be different. He wanted so badly for me to have a vaginal birth. I could tell he felt bad about delivering bad news. I told him I had consulted with some NFP instructors and they said my due date was probably around August 5th. He agreed, but was still discouraged at how free-floating the baby is.
I took a breath and asked if we could wait to do a c-section until Monday. He was totally cool with it, especially since he was going on vacation on Thursday. He did say he wanted to a biophysical profile of the baby tomorrow to make sure everything is OK in there. I am VERY relieved to have that test because as much as I want to wait, I'm paranoid that something could go wrong with the baby in utero. He thinks the test will turn out fine.
We did an sonogram with one of the crappy office machines to make sure he was head down. He was. He showed me the big empty space where his head should be engaged.
He said for me to make an appointment with him on Monday. I told him that if I hadn't delivered naturally by then I would be willing to have a c-section. He was relieved and set me up with the appointment coordinator.
I left the appointment full of peace. Tomorrow I will get reassurance of how my son is doing inside me. I have a few days for my body to cooperate. And if not, that's OK with me. If nothing happens I will go into my c-section knowing that I tried. I waited. Yes, I could wait a couple more weeks if my due date is the 5th, but in all honesty, I don't want to wait that long. But I did wait. I tried. I can always say I tried.
And who knows, maybe in these next few days my body will cooperate. Maybe I will get the VBAC I've always wanted. I am still praying for that. Miracles do happen. But if it's God's will that I have a c-section I will be much more at peace with it all. I won't argue with him as much.
The more and more I think about it, I'm excited. In less than a week I will FINALLY meet my son. I will get to hold him and cuddle with him and see what he looks like. Instead of depression and failure if I go in for a c-section I will have excitement. Birth is a very important part of a woman's life. But that is just a small piece of the puzzle. It's not all about labor and delivery- it's about the child. The child that God blessed me with and that I get to cherish for years and years and years.
I asked God for peace of mind and he has definitely given that to me. I got permission to wait a few days instead of being wisked away to a c-section tonight like I feared.
Things are going to work out perfectly. Yes, I pray and hope for a VBAC, but I will follow God's will. He knows best. I always seem to forget that part.
I do want to thank you all for your support and prayers. There are many of you that I have never met that are praying for me and your kindness makes me want to cry. Words can't express how much I appreciate all the love and encouragement. Prayer really does work. Really, truly.
We'll see how the next few days go!