Monday, May 7, 2012

VBAC Hopes and Fears

***I could have sworn I hit publish on Friday, when I inteded for this post to go out. I was beginning to wonder why I wasn't getting any comments (I'm a comment whore) and I came back to realize I didn't publish this!***

Today I enter my third trimester of pregnancy. I cannot believe how fast this pregnancy has gone! I guess the days before Joe just dragged on and I had little distraction!

This past week I have been experiencing some new and different pains. I am experiencing some major Braxton Hicks. I thought I knew what they felt like from my pregnancy with Joe, but these are much more noticeable. My hips have been super sore, especially on my right side. And the most bizarre pain? This might be TMI, but I have had some very sharp, stabbing pains in my cervix/vaginal area. It feels like this little baby is trying to knife his way out. I never felt that before.

I consulted Dr. Google and these pregnancy symptoms are pretty common and nothing really to worry about. In fact, they are all pretty much indicators that my body is preparing for labor. And this might sound crazy, but I am actually welcoming these pains, because I want my body to be in prime condition to have a successful VBAC.

I had an appointment with my OB this week and I touched base with him in regards to me attempting a VBAC. He is really supportive and basically wants me to do what I feel comfortable with. I expressed concern with having a big baby and he said we won't really know until the last few weeks of pregnancy. He also said he has faith in his mothers to be able to tell if they are having a big baby. He raved about the labor and delivery nurses and how much of a support they would be. I left the appointment feeling very at peace.

I have been thinking and praying about having a VBAC since basically an hour after Joe was born. My first fear was the major risks a woman takes when trying a VBAC. The biggest risk is uterine rupture. That could result in death of the mother and/or the baby. It could also mean losing my uterus and any chance of having future children would be gone. Those risks scared me greatly. Would trying to have a vaginal delivery really be worth that? I prayed often that I make the right decision. I did my research. As of right now, I feel at ease and at peace of at least attempting a VBAC. There are risks, but the chances of those risks happening are very small. There are risks with having a c-section as well. My doctor seems to have a very level head. He isn't overly VBAC, but he is also very open to them and not pushy with c-sections. He and I are on the same page of having an open mind of what could happen.

I have been thinking about labor and delivery for a couple weeks. I still ache for that experience. A college friend of mine had her daughter a few weeks ago and she had pictures on Facebook of meeting her daughter and holding her right after she came out. The photos were beautiful. Meeting my son was just as beautiful, but it was just.. different. I wasn't the first one to see him. My doctor, husband, and about four nurses saw him and touched him before I did. I don't know why I have such a hang-up on this aspect of my birthing experience. I guess when you have something play over and over in your head for years and years and it not happen, it is just hard to handle.

I wrote a blog post when Joe was about 10 1/2 months old about my struggles with my c-section. I have healed even more since then. I still get a little jealous of hearing about amazing natural birth stories, but for the most part that devastating feeling has passed. I know it had to be done or Joe and myself could have died. God has a plan for everything.

I think what bothers me the most now is how some people out there seem to view a c-section. It is looked at with in such a negative way. After Joe was born I had a couple of people say to me, "Sorry you had to have a c-section." I know they meant nothing bad by it, but it just made me feel like a failure as a woman who just gave birth. There are women out there who are convinced there are more c-sections because the doctor is just too lazy to stick around for a very long labor or because the doctor wants to cash in because they get more money for c-sections. Pardon my French, but I think that is all complete bullshit. I am sure there are some doctors out there who are not as caring as others, but there is a reason you research your doctor and do a meet-and-greet before you labor with them.

Why is giving birth in a tree hut with monkey jungle music and candles the best way to birth? I'm even getting annoyed at those who look down upon those women who do deliver vaginally with an epidural. Does that make them wimps? Does ending up with a c-section make a woman a failure? Do these things make the birth less joyous or beautiful? Well, there are some opinions and ideas floating out there that make it seem this way.

I am keeping an open mind. If my blood pressure skyrockets again and I have to have a c-section, then I'm ready for it. At least I know what to expect and I will know that it is for the best.

I still have fears. I fear that if I do attempt a trial of labor and push and not progress and end up with a c-section that I will be depressed again. I fear that I will feel like I really failed. But I really don't think I will go down that road, because if I do get to feel the contractions and the sensation of pushing then I'll know that I tried my damndest to have a vaginal delivery. What bothered me the most with my c-section is not getting any of that experience whatsoever.

I am not afraid of uterine rupture. I am afraid of other things associated with vaginal delivery. I'm afraid he'll get stuck and not be able to breathe. I'm afraid of cord prolapse or the cord being wrapped around his neck. But those things are out of my control and I put my trust in God and my doctor and nurses.

I can't believe how fast this pregnancy has gone. I am doing a lot better physically than I was with my pregnancy with Joe. First of all, I wasn't overweight when I got pregnant. I've been very active and eating better. I could barely get up out of the recliner at this point in my last pregnancy. I am starting to feel the aches and pains, but they aren't nearly as bad as before. Hopefully that will help in a successful VBAC.

I've been praying frequently that I open myself up to God's will. It may be that God does not intend for me to have a vaginal birth. Of course I would love to have that experience, but God knows best. I want to make the best decisions, so if you all could shoot up a prayer or two for me in regards to this whole VBAC thing, I'd appreciate it! :-)



11 comments:

Colleen said...

I wish you the best of luck in getting a VBAC like you want! I'm so glad you have a chance to try. In our area, it's against the "rules" to even try. So sad. And when I hear that people have a c-section instead of the natural birth they had hoped for, I do say I'm sorry. But it's not sorry that they had to have a c-section, it's sorry that they felt disapointed it didn't go the way they had hoped. I hope I don't come across as offensive when I try to empathize with them. Thanks for the heads up!

Joy said...

Much love, I am so glad you have found a doctor you are on the same page with ~ so important. Take good care of yourself and your baby ~ and then best you can leave it up to God, really all you can do.

Oh and keep reaching out for support ~ these are very normal fears and questions ~ please feel the love and support reaching out to you. Happy 3rd Trimester!!

Melissa said...

A VBAC is totally possible. And boy do those stabbing cervical pains sound familiar. Lol! I hope that it works out well however your baby makes it's entrance, I can imagine it would be so hard to lose you dream of vaginal birth with Joe, but you are most definetely NOT a failure. Every birth is different, but every birth is beautiful.

Desirae said...

i will be praying that you have a safe vbac. also.. i think when most people say sorry about the csection it is because they know that it can be difficult and it is major surgery. i feel like so many ppl now a days want to have a csection for various reasons and it annoys me! every once in a while i will have pain or an annoying feeling were my scar is and i cant see why someone would actually choose that as their first option

Holly said...

I pray that however it all works out you and your baby are happy and healthy at the end.

I have a link up (Pay It Forward) going on over at my blog and I'd love to have you join in if you have the time. It runs until May 14th.

http://alife-sizecatholicblog.blogspot.com/2012/05/pay-it-forward-may-2012.html

Many blessings to you!

Patty said...

First of all, be able to even give birth is such an amazing gift that it doesn't matter how it ends up, c-section or natural, with or without drugs.Unlike yourself, many women don't truly understand that because when you do, you know the peace.

That's not to say you can't have normal fears. As for fears, I just heard a priest say the other day that only until we completely give it to God and focus on helping others will we know peace. And you know my history and know I do not say those words lightly:)

I will continue to pray for your peace of mind and for the pregnancy and delivery. God bless!

That Married Couple said...

I have been and will continue to pray for you, Maggie! I think you have a fantastic outlook. And a fantastic doctor. And a fantastic God. So in short, nothing to worry about!

And as a side note, where can I find the monkey jungle music? I cracked up at that part :)

Emily said...

My whole pelvic floor felt like it was going to fall right out of me when I was carrying my 3rd, with occasional stabbing pains.

I have told women "I'm sorry you had to have a c-section" before, but it was not because I wanted them to feel worse, it was because I could tell they already felt bad and I wanted them to know I saw their disappointment. Though, thank God, my first did not end up a c-section, it was everything but, and I carried guilt and disappointment for that experience with me until I had my second, which was my dream birth. I hope that you get the birth you are hoping for this time. Whatever happens, though, as long as you and your little boy come through okay, that's what matters most. I advocate natural birth, but I also understand that it is not always possible for a variety of reasons. And if it's not, it's does not mean that the mother is a failure as a woman. She gave birth, right?

Anonymous said...

From one comment-whore to another... :)


Your fears are completely valid. My sister had three c-sections. I think she knows she did the best she could to have the baby vaginally, but it just wasn't in the cards. I think she struggled with it with her 2nd, but when her third needed to be born via emergency C-Section (she had HELLP and pre-eclampsia among some other issues) she was fine with it.

As you know, in the end, healthy baby and healthy momma is the goal. Your doctor is absolutely right about the nurses at the hospital where you're birthing. I LOVE THEM. LOVE. THEM. But you know I LOVE my doctor, too and he completely trusts the nurses there. So you just tell those nurses what you want, how you want it and communicate your fears...they will help you 100% (by the way...do I get to come visit you in the hospital to see the baby? It might be nice for those nurses to see me for once NOT laboring, LOL)

As for the negativity...I have never experienced that side of C-Section. My sister always got very supportive comments and it was never communicated to her that there was anything wrong with the way her babies came out. I often get told by women who had c-sections that they WANTED them...they didn't WANT to push a baby out their hoo-hah. (yes, I had someone say that to me). I also get lots of looks of pity that I have birthed 9.5 pound babies vaginally and they say, "didn't you WANT to have a c-section?!?"

See...people just don't know how to act. :)

CatholicMom said...

Sending prayers your way for a successfull VBAC. I read your C-Section story and I understand much of your pain.. My first baby, a week over due and over 9 pounds, I agreed (naively) to let them induce... and you know the rest of the story... after 19 hours of failing to progress... I ended up in a tear-filled c-section and severe post partum depression. For my 2nd (and 3rd), I chickened out on the VBAC and scheduled repeat cesarians... they went 110% better than the first, as I was prepared mentally, relaxed and calm. I wish you all the success in the world with your delivery and a happy 3rd trimester. God Bless.

Sarah said...

I pray that you will have a succesful VBAC and no evil pre-e this time around.
I too fear a c-section with the next baby (whenever that should happen). I just barely pushed my barely 7 pound baby out (after 3 hours of pushing and forceps). The dr. told me I have abnormally small pelvis, which means it's hard for me to push baby out, which means if I have one much more than 7 pounds, I'll probably require a c-section. Which means, since I'm diabetic, that I'll never be a candidate for VBAC. SOOO...if I ever have one c-section, all my births after will be c's. I mean, it's all in God's hands, but I'd rather not have three or four c-sections, which I'm sure you can relate to!

I'm praying for a smooth labor and deliver for you all!

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